“I could easily be a Britain’s Got Talent contest.”
“Really?” she replied.
“But what about the fact that you don’t actually have any talent? Wouldn’t that be a problem?”
I had to admit she had a point.
Or at least I thought you did.
But stopping to think about it, she’s wrong.
I do have a talent, kind of.
In fact, I have two.
The first is I can write naff poetry.
The sort of stuff you’d find in a cheesy greetings card.
That’d go down a storm, wouldn’t it? Poetry’s huge, right?
“I could easily be a Britain’s Got Talent contest”
And the second is I can predict the future. Be honest, that’s even more impressive.
Admittedly, not ALL the future. That’s asking a bit much, sadly.
But certainly I’ve been able to predict the future in a BGT context.
Because ahead of each night’s live semi-final I’ve successfully predicted which acts will make the top three. Seriously, every single night without fail I’ve got it spot-on.
Part of this remarkable gift of mine – and the bit that relates to the act I plan to perform at the BGT auditions – is recognising the importance of where an act appears on the bill.
Because – and I suspect you may have noticed this yourself – there’s one particular spot that more or less makes you a shoo-in, top-three-wise.
And another spot that pretty much spells doom.
So, anyway, my act will be a spellbinding blend of these two precious talents of mine – my lovely poetry, plus the fact that I’ve sussed the key factor in BGT’s live shows: that your fortunes depend on where the producers stick you in the running order.
Without further ado, then, here’s the poem with which I shall be auditioning for Britain’s Got Talent 2019.
I do hope you like it.
I’m sure Simon will.
I could balance a bloke on my head if you like /
Or make out I’m likely to drown /
I could sing you a song that would have you in tears /
Or act like an absolute clown /
I could do you some magic, the finest you’ll see /
Make a guy disappear super-fast /
But then again I could just stand on one leg /
I’d still win if my act was on last.
Only one other spot carries quite this much weight /
And it isn’t the second or third /
Perform fourth, fifth or sixth, well, that’s perfectly fine /
Come on seventh, that’s not so absurd /
If I’m last on the bill, well, what more could I ask /
Means I’m certain to wow the whole place /
But open the show and I may as well just shove /
My fat fist in Simon Cowell’s face.
* Read Mike’s TV reviews all next week in the Daily Express. Follow him on Twitter at @mikewardontv and subscribe free to his and Simon Hoban’s podcast at www.telly.click