Mike Ward's Column: Audition for Britain’s Got Talent? I could do a lot verse

TV

BGT judges with Ant and Dec GETTY

BGT: They’re already taking applications for next year’s Britain’s Got Talent

“I could easily be a Britain’s Got Talent contest.”

“Really?” she replied.

“But what about the fact that you don’t actually have any talent? Wouldn’t that be a problem?”

I had to admit she had a point.

Or at least I thought you did.

But stopping to think about it, she’s wrong.

I do have a talent, kind of.

In fact, I have two.

The first is I can write naff poetry.

The sort of stuff you’d find in a cheesy greetings card.

That’d go down a storm, wouldn’t it? Poetry’s huge, right?

Simon Cowell GETTY

THUMBS UP: Let’s hope Simon Cowell approves of the poem

“I could easily be a Britain’s Got Talent contest”

And the second is I can predict the future. Be honest, that’s even more impressive.

Admittedly, not ALL the future. That’s asking a bit much, sadly.

But certainly I’ve been able to predict the future in a BGT context.

Because ahead of each night’s live semi-final I’ve successfully predicted which acts will make the top three. Seriously, every single night without fail I’ve got it spot-on.

Genius, huh?

Part of this remarkable gift of mine – and the bit that relates to the act I plan to perform at the BGT auditions – is recognising the importance of where an act appears on the bill.

Because – and I suspect you may have noticed this yourself – there’s one particular spot that more or less makes you a shoo-in, top-three-wise.

And another spot that pretty much spells doom.

So, anyway, my act will be a spellbinding blend of these two precious talents of mine – my lovely poetry, plus the fact that I’ve sussed the key factor in BGT’s live shows: that your fortunes depend on where the producers stick you in the running order.

Without further ado, then, here’s the poem with which I shall be auditioning for Britain’s Got Talent 2019.

I do hope you like it.

I’m sure Simon will.

BGT judges with Ant and Dec GETTY

JUDGES: This poem could definitely get a winning audition

I could balance a bloke on my head if you like /

Or make out I’m likely to drown /

I could sing you a song that would have you in tears /

Or act like an absolute clown /

I could do you some magic, the finest you’ll see /

Make a guy disappear super-fast /

But then again I could just stand on one leg /

I’d still win if my act was on last.

Only one other spot carries quite this much weight /

And it isn’t the second or third /

Perform fourth, fifth or sixth, well, that’s perfectly fine /

Come on seventh, that’s not so absurd /

If I’m last on the bill, well, what more could I ask /

Means I’m certain to wow the whole place /

But open the show and I may as well just shove /

My fat fist in Simon Cowell’s face.

* Read Mike’s TV reviews all next week in the Daily Express. Follow him on Twitter at @mikewardontv and subscribe free to his and Simon Hoban’s podcast at www.telly.click

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